Sadly, no pictures in this update. Read on to find out why. Please excuse typos, as well. No efficient spell checker.
On Monday or Tuesday night, I had another update all set to go. Due to some unforeen circumstances, you can see that that update never made it. And circumstances have since gotten worse. Rest assured that I remain intact, however my computer is another matter. It's a rather long, complicated, hair-pulling-inducing story, so for the sake of my blood pressure and yours, I spare the details and tell you that my computer has been rendered completely unusable. The hard drive needs reformatting or something like that. This has induced, as we say here, hen da de mafan, or, crudely translated into English, a huge pain in the ass.
As Jason played something of a role in the agonizing demise of my shiny Apple, Friday he took me to guomao, an hour's schlep from school, to bring my computer to an Apple-certified service center. Actually it's more like a few counters hidden on the sixth floor of another tall building where people take their iPods to be repaired. Even when I'm speaking English I don't understand thing about computers, so trying to keep abreast of exactly what the Chinese computer nerd was saying to Jason was essentially fruitless. Long story short, I need a new hard drive. Here's another math problem for you--it's easy but the answer is infuriating: if there are 8 Yuan to 1 USD and my new hard drive costs 3646 Yuan, how many USD am I spending? It costs almost as much as my plane ticket to Tibet.
Jason has also suggested that we go to a huge electronic retail center, buy a new hard drive and then let him install it himself, as I'm being charged three times too much. I'm not so sure. Electronics from that place are part of what started the problem; sometimes I just want to let the professionals handle it (though I don't even know if these guys at the Apple center are professional anyway).
So first they removed my old hard drive, which only took two hours, so Jason and I decided to kill some time in Guomao. Mistake. What happened in those two hours brought me to my lowest point in a long time.
I joke a lot about being a waiguo ren. I like to think that my (very limited, it seems) knowledge of Chinese puts me above the whole 'stupid waiguo ren' stereotype. But I keep forgetting that my face betrays me, and that I am still a waiguo ren to be had.
I don't want to go into detail about what happened. It's not something overly scandalous or overly shameful, and I incurred no physical harm. I got taken, I walked right into it, and I should have known better. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that bad-- the equivalent of less than 30 USD. There was once a CET student who got stuck had a Chinese thug stick him with a 1000USD karaoke bill, so I'm lucky. But the awful feeling that stuch with me the rest of the day is hard to put into adjectives. Shame, stupidity, naivete, frustration, anger, hurt, and embarrassment probably work the best. But there's also this issue of my pride.
I have eaten well in China. In fact, I feel like I have never eaten better. I've also eaten some sketchy things, though my stomach has remained essentially intact. But the worst thing I've swallowed has been my pride. I lost face big time in front of the people for whom I had to literally empty my wallet, in front of Jason, and in front of myself. Much as I wish I could escape the stigma of being a waiguo ren, I just can't.
And what hurts the most is the fact that it's my own stupid fault. I tried (through a few tears) to explain this to Jason, though I'm pretty sure he didn't understand. The fact of the matter is, if I spoke better Chinese, I could have avoided being had so badly. If I hadn't just nodded and smiled, if I could just understand what was being said to me, if I could just speak this language and just UNDERSTAND, I could have avoided this. I don't like that they found my vulnerability and took advantage of it. I've said before that I hate feeling stupid; I hate it even more when that stupidity is used against me.
The rest of the day, I felt like my face had been stamped with a big red "WAIGUO REN." And to fane my ire, that computer place doesn't take my Visa card, so I have to take out 3646 yuan in cash (and at the few ATMs that take my card there's a 2000 yuan limit) and schlep back on monday so that they one-week repair on my computer can commence.
The thing about China is that when there's an awful day, there's always a good one coming soon. Saturday, Jason, Victoria, Annetta, Xiaotong, and I went to the Forbidden City. The first time I went it was rainy and unpleasant, but Saturday was blessedly the nicest day I've seen not just in Beijing, but in China.
The sky was blue, and since it was unshrouded by the usual lid of grey smog and pollution, I could actually see the sun and feel it's rays. And it was warm. I didn't even need my jacket. It was perfect.
It also helps that I was with my friends. I feel so lucky that I found people whom I like and continue to connect with. And did you know that there's a Starbucks inside the Forbidden City? There is. Disgusting. Victoria and Annetta bought coffee.
Maybe the reason Jason didn't understand how I felt on Friday is because I don't really understand it either. I felt like an idiot, crying on the street over something I should have just dealt with. But I can barely use my mother tongue to describe my feelings, and that hurts even more. It hurts to know that while not everyone in China will cheat me, I won't know who those people are until it's too late. This will happen again when I let my guard down and don't understand what's going on. Though I love China, it will only continue to hurt me
5 comments:
Girlie: The only way to avoid crappy experiences is to never do anything, or go anywhere, or try anything new or risky. You're not the stay at home, eat at Olive Garden, drink a six-pack, aspire to a giant SUV kind of chick.What you get in retrun though for the risks are rich, intense experiences that make you more aware and sensitive to the gross as well as subtle vibrations our fellow humans emit. And it gives you something to write about. Love, Dad
Ellis! Don't be glum, sugar plum (I know that sounds incredibly corny, but I had to say it here). Jia you! You can do it! Don't get discouraged. :)jia you!
Sweetie, truly valuable knowledge and experience rarly come easily and it sounds like you've experienced a very tough life lesson. Susan Ceder used to always say "It's not what happens, it's what happens next." Meaning, how will you deal with the cards you've been dealt? Knowing you, this will become an integral part of one of your future films.
Remember: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger"--Fredrich Nietzsche
And my dear, you are already one very strong young woman who will only become stronger with age and experience. Love, Mom
from a desert view mom
sorry about your tough bad day. but wow, ellis, such beautiful writing!loved seeing china through your eyes. take care!
You said earlier that your time there has felt like what college should have been from the start. You've put your trust in Beijing, you've put your all into assimilation. The study-abroad process really personifies the city in which we live. But just as we love and learn to trust people, and once in awhile be hurt, likewise we can be betrayed by our adopted home. It really is a hard feeling to express, especially as humanizing a city seems almost cliché. But it's true. I'm sorry you had to experience such a betrayal, but you should be proud of owning and expressing your experience abroad so well. Take care, Claire.
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